Crazy Penis - You Are We

Regensburg u dirty little slut

Sorry Regensburg I don't have a photo for you today and you know fucking well why. But let's start from the beginning.So I'm this kind of person that picks up the phone and calls a radio station when they give away stuff for free. I just think its common sense, it's free stuff and they give it away. I like free stuff, who doesn't. Anywho so this time they were giving away free tickets to a band called Deichkind which I used to like a lot for songs like this

or this


















and this

So I called the station and told them I had a car and I could make the 150km journey to Regensburg where Deichkind were performing and was stocked to get to witness one of their spectacular shows , or so I thought anyways.

My partner in crime for the evening was my albanian coed Drita who was also a big Deichkind fan. As we are very aware of our carbon footprint we decided to ditch the car and go for a railtrip instead. So we were prepared for some moderate adventure when we boarded the train aptly named "Franz Kafka". Nothing prepared us however for the piece of conceptual interactive performance art that disguised as a concert of one of my former favorite bands.

Because let me tell you the only thing that went smoothly on this trip was the journey from Munich's central station to the concert venue. After that it was a constant flow of wtf moments.
So to get in we had to ask like 4 different heavily thoughy inadequately briefed security "professionals" to be referred to the right place where we could lay claim to our tickets which then turned out to be a cute little stamp of a cartoon frog.

However for some obscure reason, the entrance to the pit was guarded by another flock of security personel which didn't recognize the cute frog and demanded that we produce our tickets to be let into the front rows. Fortunatelly enough Drita an me had shared a huge sandwich just before the concert and my full stomach must have made me too lazy to argue.

No tickets no pogo was a total bummer, but as we are totally zen we just found some other place to appreciate the exquisite sound of an outdated soundsystem and an ecclectic crowd of rural bavarians.
Everybody seemed to enjoy the show, but honestly I was underwhelmed, which might have been due to the fact that we had to leave during the encore about half an hour before the show was over cause we had to catch the last train to back to munich.Also I find the new album derivative. I am aware that I agree with the consensus critique hence being derivative myself. But its true that there is little original in Deichkinds latest record.

And that was when shit really started hitting the fan.

45 min untill our train leaves (did i mention neither of us had a smartphone)

so just as we leave the venue, we are literally greeted with a big bang caused by a car crash right in front of us on the street. I dont know how it was caused, all I know is that from the corner of my eye I see two cars crashing  and poof 4 airbags pop up.

So we run back to the paramedic standing 50 meters away and tell them there was an accident. As soon as we were sure that the crashers were being taken care of, we headed towards the bus station. We were greeted with two empty busses and the declaration of the bus driver that he would not transport only two ppl and we would have to wait untill the bus is full.

FUCK

When it dawned to me that we might be stranded I must have sent out some subtle signs of desperation so the bus driver was kind enough to provide us with direction to another station where we could catch another bus to the trainstation which was in tune with what I had looked up in advance at home just for a case like this.

15 minutes untill our train leaves

So we found the other station and luckily enough there was a bus coming but we weren't sure if it would go to the station, so when it arrived we asked the driver which told us he wouldn't be holding at the central station, which turned out to be a lie (I'm not sure, but somehow I got the feeling that he didn't like anyone who wasn't blond and blue eyed ).

Well, we took a cab which to make things worse was stuck behind just the same bus slowing us down for a minute or two until our fabolous driver found a spot to pass it and raced down to the station in what germans would call an affenzahn.

45 seconds before our train leaves

So we rush into the station and run to the plattform and just when we're half way down the stairs to the plattform we hear a whistle and I see the green doorlights go dead

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

6 hours untill our train leaves

We take advantage of the conviniently positioned atm machine and stock up on moneyz. Wandering aimlessly around we come across a drunken guy who is sourounded by 6 police persons very loudly resisting arrest proclaiming he had done nothing. As this is bavaria the police isn't impressed by his assurance of innocence , da könnte ja jeder kommen.

As I try to inquiry with civilian bystanders what has happened here I get rather bruskly advised to mind my own business, which I do , as my mama raised no fool.

We stopped hearing the poor guys screams of resistance when we cross a nearby bridge and feel rather ghetto.

Devastated by the prospect of being forced to spend another 6 hours in a cultural hotspot like Regensburg we seek refuge in a McDonalds and drain our sorrow in a big portion of curly fries a coke , something resembling a burger, a cheesecake , a mocha and a muffin.

4.5 hours untill our train leaves

In a bitter lapse of judgement we decide to enter the first tourist trap cocktail bar right across the Mc Donalds. Drita orders a Geisha, and I order an Absolutely Man. They both come in a Cosmo glas, which never is a good sign as it means you are about to drink pure booze as sharp as it gets. The Geisha turns out to taste like womens perfume, and the Absolut Man unfortunatelly only lets through the vodka and the cointreau and just a vague memory of the mandarine advertised on the menu. So Drita refuses to drink her perfume and orders a Pina Colada which tastes like the juice from canned pineapples mixed with some light cream and  a fingertip of rum.

At some point we are so boozed up that both of us kind of need a power nap which doesnt agree with the barkeeper who threatens to throw us out and close the bar up if we both fall asleep. So I suggest we go out and smoke a cigarette and get some air, which we do. And this is when we meet the macedonian drug smugglers.

So we meet these 4 guys all around 20 or something from macedonia which speak albanian and immediatelly get into a lively conversation with Drita assuming I guess , that I also speak albanian (or maybe they were just being dicks). So I just do the whole smile and wave thing and wait patientently untill I get a translation from Drita who tells me that we have found ourselves in the company of some propper coke heads one of whom is a drug mule cause he has a diplomatic passport.

Maybe its Drita's superb technique of fending off their advances or maybe I just ooze natural souverignity but after 2 or 3 cigarettes they all leave in a bit of a hurry leaving us with paying the barkeeper for the gasoline and

3 hours untill our train leaves (yay half time)

which we decide to spend in a döner right as the  station decided to close from 1 to 4 just because it can.

We drown our sorrow of having to spend another 3 hours in this shithole with a börek , a pide, 2 ayran, 2 churros and a bakhlava. Unfortunatelly they have no tea at this döner.

Regensburg seems to be an albanian colony as we meet another albanian who is originally from Cologne but we cant find out what he is doing in Regensburg. What we can find out about him is that he is a Radiologist who would rather like to be a surgeon cause they get paid better. He also talks with Drita mostly in albanian, and she later tells me he has some major self worth issues.

Later we meet an albanian facility manager who has lived in Germany for 25 years is married , has 2 daughters and apparently wouldn't mind getting "friendly" with Drita. Luckily enough at this point its only another

1 hour untill our train leaves

so we flee to another döner across the street where we then realize we should have been going all along as they have the most delicious minced chicken meat balls with a divine sauce and perfectly seasoned Lima beans.

So at some point we board our train and we find this

Heaven

Finally our luck begins to change ;-)

AND FINALLY WE LEAVE REGENSBURG

We fall into a deep sleep and wake up just as we enter the Munich station.  I gather all my stuff stumble out of the train and kiss the ground as I feel the warm embrace of civilisation.

Und bei dir so ?

Silence is golden a.k.a. why I lived without a smartphone for 2 weeks

So this year started with a lot of technical difficulties. First my internet broke down for a week , then my computer began acting up , and finally my phone broke. Luckily enough it was still on warranty and I could exchange it. However through some twisted act of chance the device I got which was supposed to be brand new, was actually a brick and couldn't be bothered to start up. Due to some hyperprofessional work of my account manager I got a new device right the next day , which was so kind as to start working once I turned it on. However it must have been with the union as it shut down after about an hour and was not to be started up again. So I got one of those phones that only do calls and sms . It even had a vga camera and u wont believe it a fm reciever, so I could listen to radio as long as i didnt go anywhere with thick walls . It was quite a different mobile experience and at some point I'm gonna write a little more detailed report on how live is with a stupid phone.